You Didn't Ask #9
This one's for the girls
Was it a slow news week or was I just inanely overwhelmed at work and with life? I read an article in The Cut that maybe it’s just because Venus and Mercury are both in retrograde or something? Like I said, slow news week. You know it’s bad when even The Cut has resorted to writing articles about the stars (and not the Hollywood ones).
This week’s newsletter is on the shorter side because work has been insane. It’s like my bosses actually expect me to do my job instead of write this, which is pretty rude if you ask me. Anyway, the week was full of girl bosses (Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker) and girl losses (RIP Forever 21), so let’s dive in.
News That Didn’t Take a (Boy)Genius to Figure Out
As someone whose biggest hobby might honestly be psychoanalyzing and overanalyzing every minuscule move made between celebrities, the news that Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker were together was not a shock. I mean, spend two seconds on social media, and you’ll see thousands of clips of the two sharing fond gazes and gentle touches that clearly went beyond platonic gal pals. But who exactly are Lucy and Julien? I can hear you asking already —and why should I care that they’re together? Hold on a minute, I’ll over-explain it all in a second, I promise!
If you don’t enjoy crying to folksy alt-pop, then the group boygenius might not have hit your radar. Comprised of indie darlings and heavy hitters in the scene, the band was a supergroup of alt-music girlies: Lucy Dacus, Julien Baker, and Phoebe Bridgers, who had all made names for themselves as solo artists before deciding to collaborate on one Grammy Award-winning album and a national tour.
My favorite of the “boys” is Lucy Dacus, mostly because I have loved I Don’t Wanna Be Funny Anymore since I first heard it on Tumblr back in 2016. But the most famous and prominent member of the group is by far Phoebe Bridgers. A friend of Taylor Swift, Phoebe rose in the cultural zeitgeist in the midst of boygenius, mostly due to her exposure as an opener on The Eras Tour. Her relationship status has always been the talk of the town. Phoebe famously dated and dumped Irish heartthrob Paul Mescal before swiftly moving on to internet comedian Bo Burnham.
During the summer of boygenius, Phoebe’s relationships were constantly in the headlines, which meant the other members were able to slip by mainstream attention without much notice. Some eagle-eyed fans, however, picked up on a particular intimacy between Lucy and Julien. Though this never exactly felt like a huge secret? I mean, at one show, they full-on made out with each other, and in 2023, they dressed up as Pete and Ariana for Halloween which is an incredible couples costume but a couples costume nonetheless. But prudish Gen Z puriteen fans were quick to insist they were just friends and that we shouldn’t speculate, you guys! Really, all the gossip probably made them sooo uncomfortable and would ruin their relationship! (Eye roll.)
However, this week, during promotions for her fourth solo album, Lucy opened up about what inspired her new music in a profile in The New Yorker and shared that much of it was influenced by her relationship with the affectionately nicknamed Little One of Boygenius.
I just can’t help but think about Phoebe in all of this. She’s clearly in support of the two. After the news broke, she posted an Instagram story blurring herself out to put a heart around the now-confirmed couple. But groups of three are notoriously tricky, particularly groups of three women. Just think about the trio of friends in this season of The White Lotus— while they may be a toxic example of the dynamic, two people can sometimes naturally pair off. Though this is triangulation to the extreme. Can you imagine being in a band as a trio where two are dating? Talk about third-wheeling. And what happens if they fight? How do you pick a side? That’s like making a child choose a parent in a divorce. I guess it makes sense that Boygenius was a temporary project rather than a long-term plan.
So what’s the overall takeaway from this? Well, clearly, I am an expert in body language and the analysis of celebrity interactions. I called this relationship back in the summer of 2022, and I was at most a casual fan. So the lesson here is that I’m good at my hobby, and everyone should listen to me when I analyze celebrity relationships. If I say two celebs are beefing, then they clearly hate each other, and if I say they’re fucking, trust and believe that they are. Years down the line, when all of my other secret celeb relationship predictions are confirmed, I’ll be sure to cite this very newsletter in my long-awaited I told you so.
Snow White, More Like Snow Why
How long have we, as a culture, been talking about the Snow White live-action film? Legitimately, I feel like news of Rachel Zegler being cast as the titular Snow White broke in, what, 2020? It feels like a relic from a pre-COVID world. I’m not even going to fact-check this because it truly feels like a lifetime ago. The backlash from racists across the globe was equally unsurprising and exhausting. “Her name is Snow White! Her skin is as white as snow! She can’t be Latina!” they hysterically declared about a movie featuring a woman who lives in the woods with coal-mining dwarves and eats a poisoned apple given to her by an evil witch. Like, oh no, something is unrealistic in the live-action adaptation of an already unrealistic fantasy film. Color me surprised.
Along the way, the lead actress, Rachel, didn’t exactly win over her haters, especially when, during a red carpet interview, she called the original film outdated, said the prince was a literal stalker, and called the whole story scary. As someone personally traumatized by the Snow White ride at Disney World, I feel she has a valid point. But this, of course, did not sit well with a group of ghoulish netizens who were already looking for a reason to hate her.
Now, I’ll never understand or excuse the racist abuse she had to endure. But I do understand why some people find her annoying. She has major theater kid energy. And as a former theater kid myself, I sometimes cringe at her more over-the-top behavior because, well, I see a little too much of myself in it. Nothing scarier than a reflection of your own actions, am I right?
Speaking of deeply troubling things, Disney execs decided to pit Little Miss Musical Theater against one of the worst actresses of our time: Gal Gadot. Seriously, who does Gal Gadot know that keeps landing her all these roles? Have you seen this woman act? It’s not good! Plus this film has somehow managed to piss off everyone. Disney purists are mad that it’s nothing like the original. Zionists are mad at Rachel’s outspoken support for Palestine. Palestinian supporters are mad at Gal Gadot’s unwavering support for Israel. And little people are upset about the inclusion of dwarfs. Literally everyone is upset. And now, according to the press, Disney’s biggest problem isn’t the backlash from racist Disney adults or the questionable acting—it’s that Gal and Rachel allegedly can’t stand each other and refuse to do promo together.
Unfortunately, based on the headlines I’ve seen, their media strategy seems to be painting Rachel as the problem, most likely because of her outspoken political views online. One article even claimed Disney execs begged her to stop posting about politics, and she outright refused. See what I mean? Does that not sound like a Glee plotline? Rachel Berry refusing to back down from something dumb at the expense of her entire production? It also probably doesn’t help that early reactions to the film are, well… not great.
But the real takeaway here is this: Why are we even making live-action adaptations at all? Can this era of filmmaking be over already? I have never once watched an animated movie and thought, you know what this needs? More depth and dimension that only live-action can provide. To be quite honest, I don’t think I’ve even watched any of the live action films DIsney has put out. If I wanted to watch any of those movies, I could just watch the original. And it feels like this is just so tired and played out. Now Lilo & Stitch is getting a live-action remake? Who asked for this? Why are we doing this??? Pay writers fairly, bring in some new ideas, and leave the adaptations in the past (where Rachel Zegler clearly wishes the original Snow White had stayed.)
Calum Hood is a Tik Tok Tarot Card Girlie Now
You know how you can always tell when a girlie is going through it because she gets bangs? I think Calum Hood from 5 Seconds of Summer is experiencing the male equivalent of that. Because why did I just see a TikTok of this man pulling tarot cards and explaining the Major Arcana to me?
Now, I firmly believe that everyone should know who 5SOS is, but sadly I understand that some of you might not (go check them out). They rode the wave to the top of the charts on the coattails of One Direction. And I’m not even saying that as a hater—I say that as a fan of both groups. To put it simply, 5 Seconds of Summer (or 5SOS, pronounced five sauce) were pitched as the Australian pop-punk counterparts to 1D. There were some key differences: they were four instead of five (despite the name), they were Australian instead of British, and they actually played instruments instead of… whatever the hell 1D got up to on stage (affectionate).
5SOS was signed under a weird imprint label under Sony—maybe because Harry scouted them? Or maybe Sony just wanted us to think the 1D boys discovered them? Whatever the case, whether it was organic or meticulously planned by label execs, it worked. 5SOS ended up opening for 1D on the Where We Are tour, filming iconic Vines, and taking some of the most legendary photos that still live rent-free in my brain along the way.
The thing about 5SOS is that while they were wildly popular among Directioners, they never quite reached 1D’s level of international fame, which is a damn shame because their music is actually really good. Maybe it was because the press wasn’t watching their every move, or maybe it was just because they were Australian, but these boys were out here hooking up with everyone. They consistently got with fans they spotted at shows. One of them hooked up with Abigail Breslin (shoutout to You Suck), another hooked up with Harry’s sister while on tour (bigger shoutout to English Love Affair, you will always be that girl). So all of this is to say… they were sluts.
I was never that deep into 5SOS lore, I was too bogged down by 1D drama, which, at its peak, was a full-time job. But I do know they had some pretty tumultuous relationships that played out publicly for fans to follow along. Maybe it’s a cultural thing? Someone once told me Australia is just a shittier version of England, so maybe that’s just how they do things down under? What I do know is that they were once on the cover of Rolling Stone and said some… not-so-savory things about their female audience. (Basically, they wanted people to see them as serious musicians who made real music for “real” fans, but they did give a shoutout to the girlies who loved them they were great for hookups….yeah it was bad.) In the wake of this, they all took a trip to Bali with their girlfriends, and, to this day, I have no idea what went down, but apparently, fans and the girlfriends were fighting online while the boys looked absolutely miserable in paradise. Stan Twitter is not for the weak, but it was a different beat back in 2015/2016.
During the pandemic, it seems like they settled down a bit. Most of them are in committed relationships, Michael Clifford even stopped dyeing his hair and got married! The most private member, Calum Hood, appeared to be in a long-term relationship with fellow singer Almondmilkhunni. But after she made a TikTok referencing her ex-boyfriend’s song coming on at the gym during a bad day, a lot of Saucers started side-eyeing the situation. Calum basically confirmed the split when he started showing up on people’s FYPs pulling tarot cards.
Have you ever encountered TikTok tarot girlies? All they do is tell you that your ex is your twin flame and you’re just in a rough patch, but don’t worry, they’re definitely totally coming back soon! Just give it time! Tough spot to be in, Calum. Maybe go meditate? Take up running? Buy a box of hair dye and pretend it’ll make you a different person? All I know is, I hope you get through this relationship trauma soon, but maybe lets leave the tarot to our private stories.
Chappel Goes Country but at What Cost?
Last Friday, Chappell Roan released her highly anticipated new single The Giver. After her meteoric rise and somewhat public fallout, I was curious to see what her next move would be. The Giver takes her back to her country roots and pays homage to the pop-country bops that came before her (think Shania, Martina, LeAnn, The Chicks, etc.).
Chappell did raise a few eyebrows this week when, during promo for The Giver, she shouted out one of her country heroes as Jason Aldean. You know, the big, Trump-loving, God, guns, and country guy (cue bald eagle screech, rah rah USA). This isn’t even an exaggeration, this guy sucks. Marren Morris has literally called his wife Insurrection Barbie, so it’s just not a great look to name-drop this dude as an influence.
On the one hand, I get it. I grew up in the South, and a lot of my favorite pop-country songs from my youth were written by people I wouldn’t want anywhere near me, to be honest. Unfortunately, many big-name country artists come with big-name Republican backgrounds and aren’t afraid to shout it at whoever will listen. Chappell grew up in Missouri, so a lot of the music and mindsets she was raised around probably reflected the often narrow-minded, traditional conservative values that many Southerners and Midwesterners grew up with. It was hard to avoid that, especially in the era we grew up in.
On the other hand, Chappell has made a name for herself as a queer artist, pushing back against politicians who have tried to use her for clout and has often been outspoken in her support forqueer issues. She has been vocal about her own sexuality and her relationship with a woman. So it’s totally understandable for her queer audience to be like, Girl, what the fuck are you doing shouting out this douchebag? Like, pick any other artist. Jason Aldean has been one of the most problematic country stars of this generation. Almost any country artist would have been an icky choice, but none as bad as this.
Overall, I was optimistic that after her past missteps, Chappell might have worked with her team to get some media training. I know no one wants to give up their sense of self, but when you step into a public figure role, you have to learn how to give more middle-of-the-road responses. Save the unfiltered opinions for those closest to you and just keep making bangers. I don’t know. I just worry that if she keeps doing things that alienate her core audience, her relevancy will continue to fade. I guess you could say, Good Luck, Babe.
An Ode to Forever 21
When will private equity stop coming for our most sacred institutions? Where else am I supposed to buy a going-out top that inexplicably says Slay Mama next to a bedazzled slice of pizza?
As a former teenage mall rat, I spent countless hours in Forever 21. Sure, some clothes disintegrated after two washes, but some accessories have been with me since high school. And now, thanks to finance bros in Patagonia vests, yet another piece of fashion history bites the dust. They wouldn’t know style if it smacked them in the face.
Honestly, I’m at the point where I want to enrage every finance bro I see just for revenge. You want to kill Forever 21 in the name of shareholder value? Well, I think the stock market is fake, unlike astrology, which is backed by science! And you know what? They should just print more money.
Goodbye, Forever 21. You were always there for me when I needed a last-minute Halloween costume or a $2 choker. May your bright yellow shopping bags live on in landfills forever.
Have a great weekend!!